Sam 'n Jack's Off World Wedding
by LJEvans
Summary: Humorous one shot. Sam and Jack get married off world.


**Sam 'n Jack's Off World Wedding**

This is a humorous one shot inspired by Sam O'Neill from the Gateworld forum. Thank you for your vote of confidence. I hope this lives up to your expectations.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.

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Major General Jack O'Neill walked briskly down a corridor in the SGC with Daniel Jackson struggling to keep up.

"Jack! Explain to me again why we are going through all this hassle so you and Sam can have an off world wedding?"

"I told you Daniel, we invited Bra'tac, and Ishta, some of the Tok'ra who were apparently close to Jacob **_and_** I want Thor at the wedding."

"So...let me get this straight, you used your connections to get the Earth's most powerful ally to attend your wedding on P4J-191? Don't you think that's a misappropriations type thing?"

"What's your point?"

"Well, it's just that...oh, never mind." He paused for a moment before continuing "So, 191? Isn't that the planet..."

"Yeah, where the white sand beaches go on forever!" Jack finished for him.

"Right. Uh...so when are we heading out?"

Jack looked at his watch "Forty five minutes."

"You got everything, Jack?"

"Ring, tux, what else is there?"

"Sam?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "I'll meet you at the gate in half an hour," he said as he stepped into the elevator leaving Daniel staring after him.

Back in the gateroom Colonel Mitchell, General Landry, Sergeant Harriman, Vala Mal Doran and Cassandra Fraiser stood waiting for the last three chevrons to be encoded for planet P4J-191.

The men were all wearing their service dress blues while Cassie and Vala wore matching bridesmaid dresses.

"Walter, is everything ready?" General Landry asked.

"SG's 3 through 18 are already there, Sir," Walter replied.

"The cake?"

"Yes, Sir. Balloons, streamers, the works."

"What about the base Chaplain?"

"He moved out with SG18. He seemed very nervous and excited to be going through the stargate for the first time." Walter replied.

The wormhole splashed into the room and then stabilized.

"Ok, people, let's move out!" Landry announced and the group walked toward the event horizon and disappeared.

Thirty minutes later Teal'c, Daniel and Jack were standing in the gateroom all wearing dark tuxedos and white rose boutonnieres. Daniel and Teal'c stood stoically beside their friend who looked about nervously.

"What's taking so long?" Jack asked.

"The dialing sequence is progressing at its normal rate, O'Neill."

Jack looked back and forth between Daniel and Teal'c but said nothing more. Finally, the wormhole engaged and the three men walked up the ramp and were gone.

The stargate on P4J-191 was located on a vast expanse of white sand beach with pristine turquoise water. Palm trees framed the view of the ocean from the Stargate and a cool tropical breeze blew off the water. Folding chairs were set up in even rows facing the Stargate and behind the chairs an elaborately decorated table held a punch bowl and an enormous wedding cake.

An Air Force string quartet, seated near the gate, was playing "Spring" from Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" as Daniel, Teal'c and Jack emerged from the shimmering event horizon.

The three men took their places in front of the Stargate with Daniel in the position of Best Man and Teal'c as the Groomsman.

The Chaplain took his place on the first step leading up to the gate and signaled to the string quartet to begin playing "Here comes the Bride."

Vala came down the isle first in her pale pink bridesmaid dress, followed by Cassandra Fraiser who was the Maid of Honor.

Samantha Carter walked down the isle created between the chairs, on the arm of retired General George Hammond as Jack watched her nervously from the front of the Stargate. General Hammond smiled at Sam, kissed her lightly on the cheek, and gave her hand to Jack.

Sam and Jack looked into each others eyes and smiled the smiles that they reserved just for each other.

"Dearly Beloved," the Chaplain began

Suddenly the gate began to spin and the first chevron locked into place. Instantly the Marines from SG 3 and 11 had their weapons drawn, facing the event horizon. While the wedding party hurried away from the front of the gate.

The last chevron locked into place and the gate ka-whooshed to life. Tension was high as the Marines nervously kept their weapons aimed at the watery light from the gate.

Seconds ticked by and nothing happened. No one stepped through the gate. The wedding goers looked at each other and whispered conversations were heard speculating on who had dialed in.

After several seconds, two round Goa'uld hand grenades came flying through the event horizon at different velocities. One of them landed at the feet of the wedding party while the other one sailed back toward the middle of the spectators.

Jack had just enough time to say "Oh, shit!" before the two devices went off knocking everyone present unconscious.

Ten seconds after the hand grenades detonated, six Ba'als stepped through the gate and the event horizon disintegrated behind them.

The Ba'als said nothing. One of them went to the DHD and began dialing while two of them picked up the unconscious Sam and two more Ba'als picked up the unconscious form of Jack. When the gate splashed to life the Six Goa'uld and their two sleeping captives disappeared.

Seconds later the strange group arrived on a hot, desert planet where they were quickly ringed aboard a waiting Mother Ship.

Jack O'Neill groaned then suddenly jerked awake. He was sprawled out on the cold, hard floor of a holding cell on the Goa'uld Mother ship. "Oh, crap!" he moaned.

Sam was laying in a heap on the floor near Jack, still wearing her white wedding dress. Jack crawled over to her, put a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently. "Sam!"

The woman groaned, opened her eyes and said "Oh, crap!"

She sat up beside Jack, rolled her head in an attempt to get the kinks out of her neck and said "Now what?"

"I don't know! You're the one who's always pulling some brilliant idea out of your butt!"

Sam rolled her eyes and proceeded to remove her veil. "Well, if we're going to try to get out of here these things have got to go!" She said as she removed her white pumps and tossed them in the corner.

Jack took off his tie and added it to her discarded clothing.

"This has to be the work of our old buddy, Ba'al" Jack said with disgust.

Back on P4J-191 the wedding goers had awakened and were assessing their options.

"General," Mitchell began, "They've taken General O'Neill and Sam. SG1 has got to go after them!"

"Go where?" Landry asked. "We don't know who took them or where they've gone!"

"I've got an idea," Daniel said as he started to walk towards the Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet.

"Thor, do you have equipment on your ship that can detect the last Stargate address that was dialed?" he asked the diminutive alien.

"Yes," Thor replied. "There is a residual energy signature left in the gate for several minutes after it has been dialed. As long as too much time has not passed I will be able to retrieve the address. Wait here."

The Asgard was gone instantly in a flash of white light.

Colonel Mitchell went up to the leader of SG3 "We need your vests, radios, and weapons."

"What?" The Major asked.

"Look, General O'Neill and Colonel Carter are members of SG1 so **_we_** are the ones that are going after them. We don't have time to go back to Earth and get properly outfitted so just give us your gear!" Mitchell demanded.

The Major looked over Mitchell's shoulder to General Landry who nodded in the affirmative. SG3 reluctantly gave up their vests, radios, P-90's and Zats. Then Mitchell strode over to the leader of SG11. "We'll need two more vests and sets of weapons for Carter and O'Neill."

Two members of SG11 also reluctantly gave up their equipment.

Mitchell took off his service dress blues jacket and put the Alice vest on over his long sleeve shirt and tie. Teal'c and Daniel did not bother to remove their tuxedo jackets but put the vests on over them. Vala looked especially silly with the vest over the top of her pink, floor length dress.

Vala kicked off her high heel shoes and walked over to the violin player in the string quartet.

"What size shoes do you wear, love?" She asked.

The woman frowned at her and said "Six and a half."

"Let me have your shoes." Vala said.

The woman looked confused but removed the black oxfords she was wearing and handed them to Vala who quickly put them on.

Sam and Jack sat on the floor of their cell, backs leaned up against the bulkhead. Neither spoke. After what seemed like an hour, the door to the cell slid open and two Ba'als entered.

"I thought so!" Jack complained, but the Ba'als remained silent. "You know you guys need some way for us to identify you, nicknames or something like ping pong, beach, wiffle..."

"Tell us where we can find Merlin's weapon." One of the Ba'als demanded.

"We don't know," Sam said. "If we did we would have used it on the Ori already."

Ba'al number one smiled an evil grin at Jack. "We don't believe you. You will tell us where to find it."

"I don't think so, Wiffle." Jack replied.

"Oh, but you will." Ba'al number one said as Ba'al number two touched Sam's chest with a Goa'uld pain stick.

Sam screamed in pain and light came out of her eyes and mouth. Jack was instantly on his feet.

"Stop!" He yelled. "We don't know anything! STOP IT!" He rushed toward Sam and Ba'al number one held up a hand wearing a ribbon device and slammed him back against the bulkhead with a burst of energy.

Ba'al number two looked passively at Jack while still holding the torture device on Sam. After a few more seconds Ba'al number one nodded slightly and Ba'al two took the device away. Sam crumpled to the floor in a heap. When he was able to move again, Jack crawled over to Sam and cradled her head in his hands.

"I told you we don't know where the weapon is!" He yelled.

The two Ba'als turned and left the cell, locking the door behind them.

Back on P4J-191 Thor returned in a flash of light. "I have the address." He announced as he walked to the DHD and began dialing.

As soon as the wormhole stabilized General Landry said "Good luck, SG1" and the odd looking foursome walked through the event horizon.

The group exited the Stargate on the barren dessert planet and found no signs of Jaffa or other life. As they began a thorough search of the area Teal'c called out "Colonel Mitchell, there is a ring device here."

The four members of SG1 stepped into the device and were quickly transported to Ba'al's ship in orbit around the planet.

"My lord," the first prime began "the transporter rings have just been activated."

"SG1," Ba'al said. "Send half a dozen Jaffa to find them and lock them up. If O'Neill and Carter really don't know the location of the weapon, Daniel Jackson will."

The four members of SG1 were proceeding cautiously down the passageways of the Mother Ship when they heard the unmistakable clanking sound of Jaffa marching toward them. They flattened themselves against the bulkheads of the ship and waited. On Teal'c signal the group jumped out and began firing, taking out all six of Ba'al's warriors in a matter of seconds.

"Carter! Did you hear that?" Jack asked as she lay motionless on the floor with her head in his lap.

"Yeah,"she said as she rolled to sit up "P-90's"

Jack and Sam moved over to the door and waited. It wasn't long before they heard Daniel's voice "Jack? Sam? Are you here?"

"In here, Daniel!" Jack said in a loud whisper.

Promptly the door to the cell slid open and there was a brief joyous exchange between Sam and Jack and the rest of SG1.

"Here," Vala said holding out the black Alice vests for Sam and Jack who quickly donned them over the top of their wedding clothes. Teal'c handed them each a P-90 and Daniel gave them each a Zat.

As they were getting their gear on Daniel asked "So... Ba'al?"

"Yep." Jack replied.

"What does he want?" The archeologist questioned.

"He wants to know where Merlin's weapon is located." Sam answered.

"But we don't know!" Daniel exclaimed.

"That's what we told him, but he didn't believe us." Jack stated.

"Ba'al is aware of our presence on the ship." Teal'c began "We must move quickly to get back to the ring room before..."

The ship lurched.

"We just went to hyperspace." Sam said.

"Alright, plan B," Mitchell said.

"Hey, that's my line!" Jack replied.

"Stop arguing over who's plan it is and tell us what the plan is." Vala said in exasperation.

Everyone turned and looked at Sam simultaneously.

"What? Why do I always have to be the one to come up with the plan?"

"Because you're the smartest." Jack replied with a grin.

"Right. Well, I guess we either have to wait to find out where Ba'al is taking us and then try to escape **_or_** try to take over the Pel'tak and fly the ship to a planet with a Stargate so we can gate back home."

"I like option number two," Mitchell said.

"So do I," Jack said as he glared at Mitchell. "Alright, let's move out."

The six members of SG1, neatly dressed in wedding clothes and black Alice vests, stealthily moved out trying to keep to the shadows. Jack held up a hand indicating that everyone should stop. The group crouched down as they heard the sound of more approaching Jaffa. Sam and Jack jumped up side by side and quickly took out the group of Jaffa.

Jack signaled for everyone to proceed cautiously.

When they reached a forked passageway Jack indicated that half of the group should go one way and the other half the other. Sam, Jack and Teal'c took the passaway to the right while Daniel, Cameron and Vala took the left passageway.

Both passageways converged on the bridge and SG1 entered from both sides with weapons blazing. It took little time for them to overpower the few Jaffa and Ba'als that were on the bridge.

"We must seal off the bridge to buy us enough time to get the ship back to the planet we just came from," Teal'c stated as he began working several controls.

"Mitchell, did you bring any C-4?" Jack asked.

"Of course! Enough to blow up a Mother Ship!"

"Good! Let's plant it here on the bridge. Teal'c how long before we're back in orbit around that planet we just came from?"

"Approximately 10 minutes, O'Neill."

"Ok, Mitchell set the timers on the C-4 for 11 minutes."

"Don't you think that's cutting it a little close, General?" Mitchell asked.

"Alright, make it 11 minutes and 30 seconds!"

Staff blasts were pummeling the doors on either side of the bridge. When the Jaffa broke through the door on the right Sam, Daniel and Vala put them down before they could even enter the bridge area.

"Daniel, help me!" Sam began "We have to close and barricade this door manually."

Daniel rushed over and he and Sam forced the door shut and used two of the Jaffa's staff weapons to block it closed.

"We are dropping out of hyperspace now." Teal'c announced.

More Jaffa had arrived and the pounding and blasting continued on the bridge doors.

"We are in orbit."

"How much time before the C-4 goes?" Jack asked.

"Still three minutes, General." Came Mitchell's reply.

"We have to stay here on the bridge for another two minutes to make sure the Jaffa don't get in here and disarm the C-4!" Sam yelled.

Just then the Jaffa broke through the door on the left and staff blasts and flew through the air. SG1 returned fire with Zats and P-90's.

"Quick! Close and block the door!" Mitchell shouted.

Daniel and Teal'c moved to the door and blocked it just as more Jaffa came running up the passageway.

"Sir! 30 seconds to detonation! We have to go now!" Sam yelled.

"Everyone to the ring device! Teal'c activate it!"

Teal'c pushed the final button to activate the rings and slid into the circle just before the rings came up and enclosed the group.

Just as they materialized on the planet SG1 saw a huge fireball in the sky.

"YES!" Exclaimed Mitchell.

"Now, if you all don't mind, we have a wedding to attend. Daniel, dial us outta here." Jack said.

As Daniel began the dialing sequence Jack walked over to Sam "Carter, did you call me 'Sir' up there?"

"I don't know, did I?"

"You did." Vala offered.

"Sorry."

"Think nothing of it, Carter." He grinned at her.

The wormhole exploded to life and all six members of the team stepped through the device and back to P4J-191.

As they exited the event horizon on the other side, the wedding goers were milling about eating cake and drinking punch.

"Hey! You couldn't even wait till we got back to eat cake?" Jack exclaimed.

"Uh, sorry, Jack. We were just worried and...never mind. Let's get on with it." Landry said.

Everyone took up their positions but did not bother to remove the Alice vests or the weapons.

"Uh, Padre," Jack began "Can we make this the short version?"

The Chaplain nodded and began speaking.

"The vows you take today are a commitment to make a life together knowing, with the uncertainties of the future, that your love for one another will remain constant through it all.

As we stand witness beside the ocean tide,  
May your love always be as constant and unchangings as these never ending waves,  
Floating endlessly from the depths of the sea,  
Turning to foam touching softly upon the sands,  
As did Sam and Jack's love come softly upon their hearts. 

While these waters nourish the Earth and sustain life,  
So will there never be a day without your love for each other,  
Love that will nourish and sustain you until the end of time.

Jack, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to live together in the holy estate of matrimony, to love, honor and comfort her, keeping her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her, so long as you both shall live?"

Jack smiled at Sam "I do."

Samantha, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to live together in the holy estate of matrimony, to love, honor and comfort him, keeping him in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, so long as you both shall live?"

"I do." She said as she looked deep into his brown eyes.

"Do you have the rings?"

Daniel fumbled to get to his inside coat pocket under the Alice vest, but eventually produced the beautiful wedding ring with a ruby chevron on either side of the diamond. He handed it to Jack.

"With this ring, I thee wed." he said as he slipped the ring on Sam's finger.

Cassie took Jack's ring off her middle finger where she had been wearing it since she left the SGC and handed it Sam.

"With this ring, I thee wed." Sam repeated as she slipped the wedding band on Jack's finger.

"As the Sea is eternal, so is Sam and Jack's love for each other. May their love soar beyond the sea, beyond the Earth, beyond the wind, and the sky. 

In as much as Sam and Jack have this day consented together in Holy wedlock, and have given and pledged their troth each to the other in the presence of this company by virtue of the authority vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Jack smiled, looked into Sam's eyes, took her face in his hands kissed her. The crowd cheered and Jack dipped her just as he had done in a time loop that only he and Teal'c could remember.

-x-x-x-x-x-


End file.
